After 7 straight days of hearing criticism for his military record, the Vice Presidential candidate ended all doubt about the quality of his service by introducing America to his secret Filipino family.
“It’s sad that it’s had to come to this, but critics in the media have left me no choice,” Walz said as he ushered out unequivocal proof of hard won military service in the form of a small Filipino woman and their biracial progeny. “Now I know what some of you are going to say, ‘Tim, you were in the National Guard so how could you have impregnated a woman from the Philippines?’ To which I say: you simply underestimate the virility of American soldiers when it comes to the women of east Asia. Also she’s from Duluth.”
Later, after right wing groups pivoted their attacks by saying the second family no longer qualifies as “secret” and thus isn’t a trope of American military service, Walz revealed his ace-in-the-hole by proving his own children belong to his best friend after his wife cheated on him when he was away at Basic Training.
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