Avrahm J. Berkowitz
“Do you have any idea how much Adderall it takes to satiate the appetites of a 78 year old, lifelong meth abuser?”
Dan Scavino
“This was just part of a deal we struck with pharmaceutical companies after we kicked millions off of their health insurance.”
Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States
“Any less than 6 red pills per hour and the Hat Man comes to visit and he has some pretty weird ideas about nuclear warheads.”
Mark Meadows, Chief of Staff
“Last time I checked it was impossible to funnel tax money into your business when you’re doing beta shit like sleeping.”
Stephen Miller, Senior Advisor
“It’s me. I’m the Hat Man.”
Ivanka Trump
“Body dysmorphia.”
Michael Cohen, Lawyer
“I’m not a big drug guy like the rest of those degenerates Trump employed. I just need coke to get me up, booze to put me down, and some anti-anxiety meds to get mistresses in their Uber to the abortion clinic.”
Don and Eric Trump
“I honestly don’t know what we were taking just that the doctor insisted on giving it to us as a suppository on an hourly basis. At least I think it was a doctor. He kind of just looked like Stephen wearing a hat.”
Jared Kushner, Senior Nepotist
“The doc prescribed me hydroquinone and Wagner because he said I had too much melanin in my skin.”
Roger Stone, Criminal
“Because that’s where we worked.”
