Although some people believe death is preferable to living in Texas, critics say ‘natural executions’ aren’t as fun for the prison guards.
Responding to allegations of inhumane conditions in the Texas State Prison system, Chairman of the Criminal Justice Board, Patrick O’Daniel, announced that they would be offering free air-conditioned beds to any inmate who drops dead as a reward for unburdening taxpayers of their incarceration. “The inmates want AC and the taxpayers want us to cut down on operating costs, so it seems like a win-win for everyone involved,” said O’Daniel. He then added that only selecting those who have already lost their lives from heat exhaustion will cut down on fraudulent heat-stroke cases, which O’Daniel believes is the biggest challenge facing the Texas penal system today. “Every day we have people falling unconscious only to be ‘miraculously revived’ once they get access to shade and their daily water ration. So we’re acutely aware that the promise of air conditioning will prompt criminals to take advantage of our kindness.”
Later, O’Daniel announced that Texas will be taking all inmates who died of thirst and gracefully discarding them into the Rio Grande where they can “get all the water their lifeless bodies can absorb,” after learning that mortuaries charge for refrigeration.
