After a year of constant dooming over what congressional Republicans could be hiding by preventing the release of Matt Gaetz’s ethics report, conservatives around the world exhaled a collective sigh of relief after learning his big “fault” was simply an unquenchable desire to have sex with children. “There was some speculation the report would reveal that he was Jewish or went to Mecca after he graduated college or something, thankfully it didn’t come to that,” said Trump advisor, Stephen Miller. “Liberals can cry all they want but, Biblically speaking, there’s nothing wrong with a little kid-fucking between non-consenting humans of vastly different ages.”
“We can work with pedophilia. At this point you could argue its a prerequisite for success in conservative politics,” claimed one three-time Trump voter. “Now that the dust has settled, I can comfortably say Matt Gaetz is someone I’d like to have a beer and attend a high-school football game with. He’s got my vote.”
Later, House Speaker Mike Johnson said nothing about having sex with minors would prevent him from accepting money from hostile foreign powers or making existence miserable for minorities, and demanded his immediate reinstatement to Congress.
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