Citing the lack of promiscuous sex and zero appearances on the yet-to-be-created Forbes “Most Well-Hung Trillionaires” list, area resident, John Chambers, is reporting the divine plan God made for him actually kinda blows. “I mean this brings everything into question,” Chambers started, “If a deity can’t think of anything better than ‘tax accountant in crippling debt,’ then I don’t know how much faith I can put into his version of eternity either.”
Chambers, whose much cooler plan involved a steady stream of supermodels and cocaine, said he was led astray a decade ago during a stint in rehab when the chaplain informed him that, despite his own idea for the future — which had been meticulously thought out, refined, and written with step-by-step instructions on how to achieve— God had created one for him that was even better. “But I regret to inform you that after years of consistent church attendance and becoming an accomplished marathon runner, that that was total bullshit.”
Later, in a heartwarming first step to regain his autonomy, Chambers pulled his kids from Catholic school and told them that God is a lie and the only Truth is satiating every capricious whim by any means necessary. And “any means necessary” is usually just cocaine.
