Tyler Cromwell (Pilot)
“She had her dancers practice on the tarmac before a flight and then front-kicked one of them into the engine turbine after messing up.”
Andrew Tate (Sex Criminal)
“A girl with that type of ego is virtually untraffickable. Respect.”
Janet Moss (Esthetician)
“Before I say anything I need to delete all my pro-Lizzo posts so I can pretend like I knew she was bad this whole time.”
Angela Richards (Unemployed)
“I spent $800 on tickets and hotel accommodations to see her in Nashville, waited behind the venue for 3 hours screaming her name and she just walked directly onto the tour bus. The woman is literally Hitler.”
Tim Monaghan (Bassist)
“I worked for Lizzo once. She made me kill my puppy and then she summoned the Dark Lord to resurrect it. I thought she was going to give it back but she said she wanted to ‘watch it die better.’ Other than that she was pretty chill, though.”
Mike Pence (Professional Caucasian)
“This is the sort of cultural decay that comes around by letting women walk around unsupervised.”
Ronna McDaniel (RNC Chairwoman)
“Lizzo is polling incredibly high with conservative voters after the allegations. It’s going to be hard to break it to them that she is, unfortunately, both black and a she.”
Catherine McElroy (CPA)
“This is exactly the reason why celebrity worship is so toxic. We only get to see a tiny sliver of their lives and then we get heartbroken when they turn out to be just as flawed and human as the rest of us. The only person who has ever been perfect is our Lord and Savior… Beyonce.”
Elon Musk (Shitposter)
“I would’ve made them get the cheesecake at 4:20am and told them to be back in 69 minutes or else they’re all fired. Other than that, no notes.”
Jim Johnston (Twitter User)
“I stand with the victims of this lawsuit because nobody should ever have to take orders from a woman that isn’t currently breastfeeding them. And from my understanding Lizzo never let them breastfeed once.”