After single-handedly rescuing the greatest silo of knowledge humanity has ever amassed, the Wikimedia foundation began preparations to honor the man whose one-time $2.75 donation saved the world from plunging into a new era of darkness. But after putting the transaction fee on the backs of the beleaguered nonprofit, its future is once again uncertain and his parade… cancelled.
“Just like that you can go from hero to villain,” said the Indian-giving, false benefactor who calls himself Jake, “I rarely use the site so I was a little hesitant to donate anything at all, and then they tried double-dipping with the transaction fee, so I had to decline that. I didn’t think it would cause any problems.”
And that, according to one source, is exactly the issue, Jake didn’t think. “If only there were a free and effectively infinite source of information that Jake had access to that could’ve expanded his worldview enough to understand that actions have consequences (see: Causality) then he would have an entire procession of cheerleaders, local politicians, and an 80-foot balloon made to his likeness for him to singularly enjoy, but I guess that’s probably too much to ask for,” said one employee certain to get the ax when the company falls prey to a private equity firm.
“I immediately called my family to tell them that everything was going to be fine after all, but then… then one man’s capricious nature forced me to stop mid sentence,” he said, holding back a wave of emotion, “or else I’d be a liar as well as the CFO of a company with no money.” Once he was done, the former CFO stood on his chair, put his head through the noose he fixed to the ceiling fan and said softly, “Go fuck yourself, Jake.”
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