Citing a long history of strangling small animals and de-limbing daddy longlegs just to have someone to call “Dad,” South Dakota Governor, Kristi Noem, believed she was the perfect candidate to run the infamous animal experiments, and was only denied because of the government’s spending fetish. “I have two passions in life,” Noem began her press conference, “cutting government spending and hurting small, helpless creatures, and the terrorist, Anthony Fauci, denied me the one opportunity where I could do both.” She then added, “You know how when you’re going through life and you think everything’s fine, but then you lock eyes with the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen and you suddenly realize there’s this big, gaping hole inside you that only they can fill? That’s what happened when I was scrolling through job listings and ‘Government Sanctioned Animal Torture’ crossed my feed. I knew then I would do anything to get that job, even if it meant working for free.” However, despite her initial enthusiasm, she was rejected after the first round of interviews because, “love of the game” was not enough qualification to run cruel and unethical science experiments. To make it up to her, she was written a letter of recommendation to her local police force, as that would be the next best thing.
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