After decades of debate on how to make housing affordable again, one brave and disgusting group of kindergartners has taken matters into their own hands by incubating a devastating virus that will wipe out a large percentage of America.
“People are very worried about the bird flu as the next pandemic and there’s admittedly some concern there, but they’re wrong. It’s actually going to be Tommy Gwinn and his germ-riddled gang of miscreants who’ve been spending their recess licking the same flag pole for the last two months.” said local epidemiologist, Weston Hale. It started as a routine science experiment after Tommy reasoned that because their tongues could dissolve popsicles, there must be other things it could dissolve too. However at this point the habit has turned from misguided science into a full-blown addiction to the taste of oxidized steel. “I took a sample of the flag pole, and it was the most sophisticated culture of germs I’d ever seen. Pretty sure one of them even waved at me. From what I can tell, this type of virus will basically wipe out everyone with even a slightly compromised immune system. Anyone over 65 is fucked,” and then, after thinking about this last statement for a few seconds, added, “the housing market will look pretty nice, though.”
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