WASHINGTON D.C. — Is the 6th unnamed co-conspirator in Donald Trump’s insurrection trial going to be Ginny Thomas? Alex Jones? The My Pillow Guy?
“Yes.” Said Jack Smith in a recent one-on-one interview. “The last defendant is going to be exactly who you want it to be. And they’re gonna get it soooo bad, too.”
After the indictment was unsealed over their respective roles attempting to overturn the 2020 election results, news outlets were able to quickly put together the first 5 co-conspirators based on thinly veiled allusions, such as, “Leaky attorney with horse teeth to lie through,” for Rudy Giuliani, and “dead-eyed female with tenuous connection to reality,” for Sydney Powell. But the 6th defendant eluded journalists until Smith confirmed what everyone had thought, but wasn’t certain of.
“The whole trial is going to be one massive dopamine hit for the entire country. That’s why our cherry on top is this placeholder indictment for everyone to project their deepest prosecutorial fantasies on. Pretty neat, huh?”
While Smith and his team initially had their sights set on Ginny Thomas, Justice Clarence Thomas, threatened to “do more bribes” and “have my body cryogenically frozen so I can be on the Supreme Court for infinity” if his wife was caught up in the indictment. So Smith and his team needed to go in another direction.
“It’s difficult to admit you’ve been strong-armed,” Smith said, “but he actually gave us the idea for the nebulous, Rorschach Indictment that we just thought was so much more fun.”
While a few joyless contrarians think it would be better to prosecute a real person, proponents say one of the many benefits to this type of indictment is that the 8th Amendment preventing cruel and unusual punishment doesn’t apply to fantasies. So this means the convict can be launched into the sun, have a colony of termites injected into their bloodstream, or be forced to spend eternity in a prison cell with Donald Trump as medical science keeps them both alive artificially. If convicted, of course.
With a smirk inching across his face, Smith said, “In my head, the 6th co-conspirator is going to be doing 7-10 years in a maximum security federal prison,” and then finished with a cackle, “with NO possibility for parole!”
