Saying they’ve had just about enough of their 28-year-old son’s embarrassing hot takes, parents Scott and Lois Henderson have been granted conservatorship over their only boy after it became clear he genuinely believed Drake came out ahead in their beef. “The lyricism and overall artistry of these two men is nowhere near the same level and I will not have someone who bears my name pretend otherwise,” the father said while leaving the courthouse with their son in tow. “This isn’t the morning of May 4th when there were a few hours after ‘Family Matters’ released and ‘Not Like Us’ dropped where you could passably argue Drake was still in the game. It’s February of 2025 and Kendrick is bringing FIVE Grammys to the Super Bowl to get 80,000 fans to scream the ‘Drake’s a pedophile’ song in front of 80 million viewers. It’s simply time to grow the fuck up.”
“Unlike his father I don’t think the belief is that harmful in and of itself,” Lois chimed in. “Sure, nobody respects people who say obviously untrue things for attention, but we’re most concerned about other beliefs he may be holding onto. Does he think the earth is flat? What’s his honest opinion on sticking forks in outlets? We need him fully supervised until we can be sure he’s still capable of, at the very least, feeding and bathing himself. Unfortunately, with the way he talks about Drake, he might not be.”
Before they entered their vehicle the son popped his head through to shout something about how Family Matters should’ve won a Grammy before getting chloroformed by a nearby wellness officer. “As you can see our boy is clearly sick and we send our sincerest apologies to anyone who’s had to engage with him in the last 9 months. We’re going to fix this.”
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