Saying there’s absolutely no explanation other than siring a genius, clairvoyant super-baby, local parents, Tim and Cheryl Stanhope, claimed their child was able to successfully predict the last 47 mass shootings via his blood-curdling emotional wails.
“Cheryl and I have both said in the past that we felt like we had a sixth sense. Knowing when people were looking at us, and… uhhh… other things, I guess. So it makes sense to assume our genes have created the next step in human psycho-evolutionary history, rather than this being a series of depressing coincidences regarding the state of gun violence in America. Which it certainly isn’t.”
Republican congresspeople have begun taking victory laps, claiming this is one of those prayers they all kept thoughting about. “This is clearly God telling us that he hears us, he loves us, and that we need to start repealing all the oppressive gun restrictions that do nothing,” said House Speaker, Mike Johnson.
Later, it was reported the baby began expanding its clairvoyant powers by predicting any time the IDF would accidentally launch a rocket into the wrong building, and the Detroit Pistons losing another basketball game.
