Exhaling a collective sigh of relief, churchgoers in Kenosha, Wisconsin were pleased to read the news report that 90% of all their tithe money went to support the pastor’s cocaine addiction and not anything worse than that. Said one parishioner, “When these exposés come out about what happens to church donations, it’s usually either ‘funding a holy war in Africa’ or ‘covering up sex abuse’ so the fact that we just got a guy who likes doing narcotics with age-appropriate sex workers is huge.”
“I used to get a babysitter on Sundays and go to church solo,” said another local parent, “but now that we know he’s just destroying his brain chemistry and not traumatizing children with horrific acts of abuse, I finally feel comfortable bringing them with. I might even let one be an altar boy now if the worst thing the pastor does is a fuckload of illicit drugs with hookers.”
The pastor, despite tacit approval from his congregation, is facing a slew of criminal charges such as fraud, embezzlement, solicitation, and, obviously, narcotics possession, but as parishioners have pointed out, all that just sounds like a fun weekend, and not something that’s any of our business, and maybe next time he should just ask.
