After an abysmal debate performance and a series of polls showing the president significantly behind Donald Trump in the general election, Joe Biden has decided to ditch the “safe candidate” brand and will instead lean heavily on the immense sexual energy that got him this far.
“Now lookie here you sweet lil thing,” Biden said to a slightly confused Peter Doocy, “the choice is simple, you can go with the diaper dandy currently soiling himself on the back 9 of his putt-putt course. Or you can pick me: the man standing in front you now, looking you in the eyes and tellin– no, promising… that I will be the president you want me to be.” Doocy, a little unnerved, attempted to reiterate his question about border security, only to have Biden hush him by putting his finger over the reporter’s mouth and saying softly, “I didn’t miss a word.”
Later Biden was seen outside of his favorite ice cream shop, doing what got him elected to the New Castle County Council all those years ago: revving his ’66 Barracuda and telling house fraus that his engine is always running hot.
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