After a tumultuous month that began with the politician in congress, continued through an Attorney General nomination that reminded everyone he’s the physical embodiment of a sex crime, and ended with unemployment, Matt Gaetz is back in the game after winning the job to advise his girlfriend’s student council campaign. “There’s two things I know in this life: politics, and manipulating high-school aged children to do things that aren’t in their best interest,” Gaetz said at an impromptu press briefing outside of homeroom, “However, I won’t need either of those since we just received word our opponent’s father has substance abuse issues, so these attack ads will basically write themselves.”
“I actually like our school, I don’t really wanna change it much,” said student-council hopeful Susie Whittaker in her charming southern twang. “However we have discussed how important it is we make sure no boys are dressing up and sneaking into the girls bathroom, so if elected Matty here will be conducting genital inspections outside the girls room.”
It’s been reported that Gaetz has been on campus virtually 24/7 and only leaves to take the occasional power nap in his Corolla, “I have to admit I wasn’t the most dedicated congressman, but I’ve learned from those mistakes. So if you’ll excuse us, it’s time for our daily ‘brainstorming sesh,'” he said putting his thumb and index finger to his lips in the universal indicator they’re about to get ripped.
Later, Susie relieved Gaetz from his duties after one student told him he looked like if an Easter Island statue had 3 DUIs and the entire cafeteria laughed at him.
_____________________________________________________________
