Shortly after leaving the field in the first quarter of his Jets debut, Aaron Rodgers received word from the team doctor that his achilles suffered a complete tear and he would have to miss the 2023 season.
Shortly after that, Rodgers was several feet down the rabbit hole.
Through voracious online sleuthing he was quickly able to dig up theories about the achilles tendon, its function within the ankle, and whether or not the achilles is a hoax (jury’s still out!). He even found a picture from the team doctor’s 2019 family reunion where multiple people were wearing Josh Allen jerseys, the quarterback for the opposing team. Then, he called his agent where his suspicions were confirmed… the doctor was, indeed, born in Buffalo, New York.
That’s when Rodgers knew he needed to seek a more reputable source. “There are thousands of cities in America, and my doctor is from the one we are playing against?” He dismissively scoffed at the notion, “In my 39 years, I’ve learned there are coincidences and then there are coincidences. And this here definitely feels like one. At this point, there’s only one person with vast medical knowledge who I can trust.”
“I’m not saying achilles tendons aren’t real,” Joe Rogan started, “I’m just saying I have never seen one in person and all we have are these highly prejudiced accounts from so-called ‘doctors’ who simply want us to take their word for it. I just, I smell bullshit. Who’s to say that there aren’t tiny, magical unicorns holding our ankles to our calves.” Rogan postulated, dumbly.
After several minutes of poking and prodding at the dangling foot, Rogan knew this was above his pay grade.
“Guys, listen to this… listen to this,” Kanye shouted through the speakerphone, “Did you know the achilles is named after Brad Pitt’s character in the movie ‘Troy’? Hollywood literally made the whole thing up and now they’re working with the medical industry to sell fake surgeries to athletes.”
Rodgers, having applied the formula “coincidence + coincidence = conspiracy,” has now listed himself as questionable for next week’s game against the Patriots. If for no other reason than to show how important it is to question everything.
