Aiming for net-zero carbon emissions throughout the second Trump term, EPA chief Lee Zeldin has confirmed that any increase in harmful greenhouse gasses will be directly offset by millions of Americans dying from them. “Many people said our EPA was going to kill the environment, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. We love the environment, it’s people that are hit and miss,” Zeldin said at the unveiling of a new 20-cylinder, coal-powered Dodge Durango, “While the EPA is not taking a firm stance against all breathable air, we do find the notion that a non-toxic atmosphere is an ‘inalienable’ right to be laughable,” he added as he fixed a filtration mask to his face
“It’s better when the air is visible. I don’t trust anything I can’t see with my own eyes,” Trump remarked at an evangelical political conference over the weekend. According to recent studies spearheaded by the White House, every person who suffocates under the newly deregulated “Patriot Air” will save roughly 200 tonnes of CO2 from being released into the atmosphere over the course of what would’ve been an inconsequential life, thus creating space for factories, energy companies, and lifted F350s to use the air for more important tasks — polluting but in a cool way.
After some pushback, the EPA clarified that all the people who would be dying are other people, not you or anyone you know, and Americans nodded their heads and agreed this was fine.
_____________________________________________________________
