Lamenting the inefficiency of impregnating human females — a joyless process which typically involves viagra, begging the female not to laugh, and climaxing with all correspondence being forwarded to his attorney — the self-proclaimed Superdank Memelord known as Elon Musk has announced he’ll be overnight shipping his own semen to anyone promising to name the kid something astronomically fucking stupid.
“I think one of the biggest lies the media has ever sold us is that sex is a ‘cool’ thing that feels ‘good’ to do, because my experience is that it’s a painful and humiliating ritual that needs reform,” said the oligarch in his Department Of Gynecological Efficiency t-shirt. “That’s why I’ve decided to stop trying to have sex and have begun mailing my… internet slang incoming, my ‘goop juice’ to any woman willing to give the child the shittiest collection of syllables you can possibly imagine as a first name.”
The package will come with a restraining order with an empty space where the child’s name will be, guaranteeing it will never come within 500 meters of the CEO, as well as a promise of monthly support so long as it doesn’t become trans. “In the tech space one of the things that makes you stand out is this concept called ‘disruption’ but nobody ever thought to disrupt the 500,000 year tradition of pronounceable names that don’t make you want to drown the person in a lake. That is what I want my legacy to be,” he added, “Oh, and fascism.”
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