After a tearful night explaining to her kids that the ICE agents were probably going to Hell, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem euthanized five domestic terrorists after they failed to brutalize a satisfactory number of immigrant children, per department protocol. “At 8:00 a.m. yesterday we conducted a routine raid of two elementary schools and one Pentecostal church service located in a parking lot, however it was reported to me that the screams of defenseless children elicited an emotion known as empathy in a few of the agents, and only adults were apprehended,” Noem said in an open field riddled with their dead bodies.
The new department head, known mostly for killing her puppy for barking too loud, went on to say the mandate for traumatizing kids stems from a study that showed pointing guns at immigrant babies caused parents to think twice about which country their lives would be better in. As for the executions, they’re not technically a requirement for missing quota, but they will serve as a reminder for any agent weak enough to be manipulated by crying children who have it coming.
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