As the southeast United States receives its first snowstorm in almost a century and schools have been closed indefinitely, predators native to the area have been slowing their metabolic rate by staying submerged in icy lakes until children are allowed out of the house again. “I didn’t even know I could do this until a couple hours ago,” said the protruding head of former congressman Matt Gaetz. “I wasn’t even watching the news when the closures were announced, I just felt a disturbance in the ecosystem and walked into the nearest lake until I was up to my neck.” Despite no definitive answers for why this happens, scientists believe predators like Gaetz feel an overwhelming sense of uselessness when kids are safe at home with their parents. “When your entire existence is centered around one goal, in this case bringing children to cocaine parties,” said a researcher familiar with the situation, “it’s quite common for predators to remove themselves from their habitats until equilibrium returns.”
Later, after achieving a core temperature of 48°F, Gaetz chewed his way out of the ice after feeling the distinct vibration of school busses back in service.
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