In a press conference Monday morning, California Governor Gavin Newsom unveiled his latest plan to help lower the homeless population in his state: The Hoblower 3000 — a gas-powered device specifically designed rid California of it’s greatest weakness: poverty that you can see with your eyes. “I’ll do anything in my power,” Newsom started, “whether that means getting them incarcerated or getting them out of the state via morally dubious projectile systems, to end the epidemic of the aesthetically repealing homeless population that has plagued my presidential aspirations for a decade now.” The machine, which harnesses both the power of a tornado and the ire of good, career politicians who are sick of invalids hampering their approval ratings, is capable of emitting 200 mile-per-hour gusts with the press of a button.
“When you elected me to be your Governor, I promised that I would be fair and just, and that’s why they will be given 60 seconds to grab hold of any belongings they need to restart their lives… wherever they land, but most likely somewhere in the vicinity of Phoenix.”
After receiving several complaints from the state ethics board of the new technology, Newsom halted the rollout until there would be a clean, fully electric version that won’t disturb the sleep of tax-paying Californians.
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