After learning of the devastation wrought by Hurricane Helene, local 3rd-grader Nigel Summers decided he wasn’t going to sit idly by while millions suffered. After speaking with his family and conducting an unbiased self-assessment of his skillset, he decided re-selling Simply Lemonade at a 2,000% markup was the best course of action, and has, to date, raised essentially nothing.
“I’m not going to lie, we had pretty high hopes when we heard little Nigel was setting up his lemonade stand, but $18 over two days is pathetic,” said a neighbor of the family. “Simply Lemonade is basically sugar water, and he’s in a busy neighborhood with temperatures in the mid-80s. There has to be something fundamentally broken with his sales pitch,” he concluded as Nigel sneezed all over the product and began drinking the lemonade directly from the carafe.
“I lost my house and I’m currently trapped on a small patch of land with raging waters preventing rescue teams from getting me, so they’ve been air-dropping MREs to my location for three days. I know this isn’t Nigel’s fault, but he certainly isn’t helping anything either,” said one disappointed Asheville resident in a livestream after hearing of the kid’s half-assed effort to help.
“I believe every penny makes a difference! I’m gonna raise $25 so one family can buy a new home. And then I’m going to raise another $25 to buy a second family a home!” Nigel said, idiotically and with the confidence of someone who hasn’t spent a single, horrifying second on Zillow in his entire life.
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