Federal law enforcement officials have arrested business mogul, Sean “Diddy” Combs, after a search of his properties unearthed 7 terabytes of audio that reportedly feature the billionaire trying to rap. “The evidence found during the raid was hidden in a safe with a label that read, ‘Weird sex stuff. Please don’t watch.’ Unfortunately, we did watch and we wish it was just weird sex stuff,” Said DHS Secretary Mayorkas.
Normally when police uncover music so bad it’s deemed a threat to public sanity they can destroy the illicit material and move on, but forensic audiologists were able to date the recordings as being made in the 6 months prior to the raid. “He’s aiming for a comeback,” Mayorkas added, “And he’s got the money to push it to the top of every streaming platform on the planet.” Diddy denies he planned to release a new album, but says if he did it would’ve be titled “Diddle Me This” and released exclusively on Spotify on December 13th.
Lawyers for the disgraced Ciroq ambassador claim they have listened to the recordings, “It’s not that bad,” said one, “I mean, he’s from a different time and tastes have changed a lot since then, but arresting him for it seems excessive. Our client is an imperfect soul and making music is difficult. We should support anyone who wants to express themselves creatively, no matter how ill-advised the effort.”
Diddy was denied bail after the court considered him high-risk for promoting his mixtape in local tourist traps.
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