“This is our 9/11,” said a tearful Mohammed bin Salman after the Manhattan court announced its $350,000,000 fine against the former president. “America has become nothing short of a state sponsor for financial terrorism and Judge Engoron is their newest jihadist.” And he’s not alone in that sentiment, as dictators around the world are furious that Donald Trump’s debt will be paid for by the only asset he has: classified American intelligence.
“We used to get full list of spies operating within Russia for 2 night minimum stay at Trump Tower,” Russian president, Vladimir Putin lamented, “Now I get notifications for things like ‘How Eritrea Plans To Defend Itself From Alien Invasion: $7,000,000.’ And ‘Nuclear Capabilities Of Comedian Andrew Dice Clay: $1,000,003.25.’” Both of which are interesting bedside reading materials, he conceded, but the exorbitant price tags are creating a situation where journalists aren’t falling from balconies as often as they need to be. Which has been tough for Putin to reconcile.
And it gets worse. The more actionable intelligence, such as “Name Of Ancient, Benevolent Creature Operating The Husk Of President Biden” was recently listed at $92,000,000 on the encrypted messaging platform they use to conduct business. “Okay, sick. But does that mean we get his name, name, like what he’ll answer to?” Bin Salman inquired, “Or is it just the taxonomic classification of the creature operating Joe Biden’s lifeless body? I don’t know if I’m willing to spend a hundred mil just to find out.”
Later, after learning the Eritrean government plans on joining the aliens in the event of a full-scale invasion, Putin and Bin Salman raised the price of oil to $1,000 a barrel and put out a joint press release blaming Joe Biden for the global inflation crisis.
