In a landmark ruling this past Wednesday, a judge declared that it was the constitutional right of all Americans to be spared the agony of voting for a candidate with one foot in the grave and allow Oscar, the Cat of Death, to usher one of them into the afterlife. The feline, who we’ve been guaranteed has no conception of political identity, and whose only interest in human affairs is getting to watch our souls vacate our bodies on a semi-regular basis, will provide the country with the clinical and emotionless decision making that we’ve been missing since identity politics began dominating our national discourse in the 1980’s. The decision will happen on Tuesday, November 5th provided Donald Trump isn’t already in jail and Joe Biden remembers that it’s happening.
UPDATE: Oscar, the Cat of Death, was removed from his duties after he was caught hissing at the Puerto Rican housemaid, hinting at a deeply rooted conservatism that explained why he kept crawling towards Joe Biden.
