Jimmy Sandoval, Proud Boys Recruit
“I don’t need an excuse to commit acts of terrorism, but it’s nice to have one.”
Eric Settle, Amateur Clown
“First it’s Trump, next thing you know they’re removing regular folks like you and me from the Colorado GOP primary ballot.”
Clarence Thomas, RNC Employee
“This is a horrific miscarriage of justice and Trump will need to leave a briefcase in the usual location to have it overturned.”
Morgan Andrews, Data Analyst
“Trump withheld COVID aid from states he felt weren’t nice enough to him, which means he’ll probably nuke us out of existence for this.”
Sarah Love, Marketing Strategist
“If being a known criminal disqualifies you from becoming president then explain 2016.”
John McCaffrey, Unemployed
“No matter what the Supreme Court decides I will still show up on election day and perform my patriotic duty of harassing the people counting ballots.”
Franklin D. Goodacre, Accident Attorney
“If the only viable options on the Republican ballot are a woman and a minority then I’m choosing death.”
Mike Lindell, MyPillow CEO
“After I heard the news I entered a fugue state and woke up two days later with blood on my hands and a massive… and I mean MASSIVE erection.”
Ronna McDaniel, RNC Chairwoman
“This is going to make pretending he actually won Colorado very difficult. Not impossible, just difficult.”
Brett Sayles, E-Commerce Guru
“I’m not too worried because I actually think Biden has been doing pretty good on the econ- *muffled asphyxiation sounds*”
