Saying that he hadn’t considered the human aspect of a total abortion ban, local politician, Doug Caldwell, revealed he will add an exception to the anti-abortion bill he sponsored, in cases where the pregnancy poses a high risk of totally screwing things up for him.
“Mistress-carriages are terrible tragedies. There’s no doubt about that,” Caldwell began, “But just because one tragedy occurs, doesn’t mean we need to let another. And if I allow this pregnancy to end my campaign, wouldn’t I just be committing a different type of abortion?”
Caldwell went on to say that it doesn’t matter how careful you are or how many crushed up Plan-B pills you add to her post-coital glass of water, sometimes the coin of life just lands tails and you have to deal with the consequences of that.
He concluded, “A knocked-up mistress isn’t even a real pregnancy, but rather a test from God to see how resourceful Republicans can be, and I will not let any woke liberals calling me a hypocrite stand in the way of doing God’s will.”
Later, Caldwell revealed that the pregnancy was a false alarm and it was just the nightly Plan-B pills throwing off her cycle.
