After getting both Hamas and the IDF to agree to a temporary ceasefire over a video call late last week, Biden was determined to make sure they abided by the agreement in the only way the 81-year-old Commander-In-Chief knows: a tedious story without point or end.
As the call was coming to a close and spokespeople from each side started shuffling their papers and sending the ceasefire order down the chains of command, Biden added a, “Oh just one more thing,” and followed it up with, “Have you guys heard the tale of how the U.S. government saved Amtrak?” then peppered in the classic, “I’ll take that silence as a ‘no,’ Jack “
And then he got to work.
The story, which members of his administration are deeply familiar with, is one of swashbuckling bureaucrats, blue-collar workers who couldn’t afford to purchase a car, and a villainous board of directors who failed to see the beauty in keeping an unprofitable railway operational for the greater good. The methodology used by Biden is something that American military officials have coined ‘Geriatric Warfare’ and are currently training friendly regimes across the globe on how to implement it in their conflicts. Leaders from both sides, who planned on resuming to kill each other at the first opportunistic moment, have been trapped in the call, unable to find an appropriate time to end the chat that wouldn’t be heinously impolite.
Later, after 72 consecutive hours of extemporaneous blathering, Israel and Palestine have reached unprecedented levels of cooperation as both are launching full-scale attacks on the United States to try and make it stop. A clear Biden victory.
