After returning to work from a long Thanksgiving weekend with a big dumb smile on his face, yapping about “The joyous holiday season,” coworkers of Timothy Clarke speculated that he must have a good relationship with his family, or some other creepy shit. “I mean, I fully understand how someone could, in theory, have a wholesome and loving relationship with the people they grew up with,” said one coworker as she laced up her crossbow to slay the demon-spawn, “but seeing it with my own eyes makes my skin crawl.”
CEO, Benjamin Hayes, who contemplated canceling work for the day and then dissolving the company to escape from Tim’s incessant cheer added, “We like to think of ourselves as a family here. But that’s only because we’re normal and limit contact with our actual families. Not because we want, like, a bigger one or anything.”
Around lunchtime, Tim’s whistling rendition of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” was put to an abrupt stop when the HR director threw holy water at him and he melted away to the hellish landscape from whence he came.
