Days before releasing his new SuperVaccine that would’ve inoculated mankind against every known illness, Bill Gates announced that he shut down his research lab after finding that a significant portion of the world dying from preventable disease is his best chance to not get stabbed in the face by some random weirdo.
According to one source, everything was going according to plan during a meeting with the board of directors late last week. Gates showed them the results of the human trials and projections for vaccine efficacy among the general population. Then one board member said “Congrats, Bill. You really did it. You’ve saved everyone.”
It was at that moment when Bill seemed to contemplate the words, looked outside at the horde of protestors calling for his head, and walked out of the meeting.
“Listen, I don’t want to kill anyone,” Gates started, “but saving everyone? That just sounds… well, it sounds like a very complicated and expensive suicide attempt,” he said as he gestured to the frothing herd who set up a noose outside his window, screaming that they were going to kill him the moment they could. He then pointed to a graph and said, “As you can see, the statistical likelihood that I get murdered by someone with a 3rd-grade reading level spikes if I release the vaccine. And precipitously drops down to near zero if I don’t.
“So, yeah, that just about covers it,” Gates concluded.
Later, after shredding the labwork and dumping the vaccine stores, Bill said he’d consider restarting the program since Elon Musk’s Neuralink and Tesla autopilot are now projected to wipe out 95% of the population by 2030 anyway.
