“Not like this!” The Russian President cried as he shook his fist at the heavens. “Anything but this!”
MOSCOW — Said to be inconsolable after news of the plane crash carrying military rival, Yevgeny Prighozin, the Russian President was reportedly upset he didn’t get to use one of the ‘super cool and totally vicious’ assassination plots that he had been workshopping for the past month.
“Prighozin was the victim of a woefully unregulated aviation industry when he should’ve been the victim of our top secret attack grizzly, or one of the many other ingenious ways the Russian government has to kill undesirables,” said one official close to Putin.
To make matters worse, the accidental death came at a time when the once-celebrated Russian assassination team desperately needed a victory. For years state-sanctioned killings have either been at the hands of some Ruby-esque trigger-patsy, poisoned food, or—the slightly more dramatic—LSD-fueled window dive. Despite being effective, none of these live up to the cinematic zhuzh from in the Cold War-era programs that included exploding cigars, double-agent spouses, and Rafael Cruz.
“We had our opportunity to return to glory with the ricin-laced underwear for Alexei Navalny, but instead of killing him like we had intended, it turned him into an international celebrity,” said one anonymous assassin. “Putin still finds a way to bring that up every meeting.”
Later, Putin broke into a deep, chest-heaving sob when he was informed the person whose extermination was the main reason he got out of bed in the morning didn’t feel a thing, as the rapid depressurization likely rendered him unconscious.
